This new chapter of my slow trudge with God has indeed felt like a time of living in quicksand.  I have to keep moving so as to not be pulled down, but the going is slow.  The lesson that I’m learning is not a quick and easy one, but it’s one about my identity and because it’s in serious need of redemption, the struggle goes on.  Let the story begin with second semester coming to a start.  I was still exhilarated from Urbana and from spending time at home with my family and so arrived at campus ready to implement what I had learned.  I was indeed quite effective at it as I was able to do the Urbana Bible Study with my DSG, began praying with my suite mates, and even met with the Office of Multiculturalism to talk about racial reconciliation (these were all things on my heart after Urbana).  In the midst of all this, I must confess I was still quite lonely.  I felt empty.  I felt dry and totally without joy.  I could fake it though my still reading my Bible and being a devout spiritual girl, but the yearning inside of me remained.  I don’t quite remember what did it, but something finally clicked in my mind and I realized that the cause of my emptiness had been that exact thing that I thought would fill it– my walk with God…ahh sigh… more like my SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.

I have indeed realized that so much of my spirituality was for my own desires.  I found identity in being a passionate Christian girl. I built my image of myself up in my head when I was able to read my Bible every day of the week at 6:20am.  I was trying to start a Bible Study, going to prayer meetings, reading my Bible, talking about spiritual things, but alas I was empty because I forgot that the goal of running the race for Christ was to being running the race FOR Christ.  I had so lost track of the goal.  I had so completely forgotten that my life was bought at a very expensive price and that I was to be living to glorify God.  My attitude was to be one of obedience.  I was to let the Holy Spirit guide me in my life rather that take control of it on my own.  I found myself in a very difficult place to be in.  I was coming to realize that for quite sometime I’d been living life attached to the vine via a garden hose rather than being grafted in as a true branch.  From the distance, I looked like another branch that was being filled and supplied with life, but on the inside I was becoming brittle and weak.

I must admit that this journey of coming to reconciliation with Christ is a hard and lengthy one.  I’ve had to question my motives for pretty much everything that I do and especially my walk with Jesus because I know that the norm for me is a pseudo sort of self righteous reliance.  I am finding that admitting to my sins helps, but repentance still genuinely leaning of God and asking Him to pull me in the right direction.  I have to live with my hands open and palms up so that God can give and take as He sees fit.  I’m not whole by any means.   I am in the process right now.  I cannot say that the lesson has come to completion but I know that I am still hanging in there.  Now that I’ve learned more about what it means to love, it seems that I’m now having to apply that to my Savior.  I must invest and live for another person’s glory.  It’s so humbling, but the weight that has been lifted off in the realization of my phoniness and the grace that God extends through the renewed bit of joy in my life; they have given me a new understanding of God’s most precious and unconditional love for me.  It has been in spite of my own doing that God is redemptive, is patient and is faithful.

A few days after expressing these fears, John came to me and told me an incredible story.  After speaking to me, he’d continued to pray about where God wanted him to go as a missionary.  One of John’s friends had prayed with him and during their prayer asked him to explain if God was giving him any images as he prayed.  Indeed John had seen himself  as if he were in another country that had sand everywhere and it seemed to be in the Middle East.  From observing the area around him, it seemed like he was surely in a Muslim place.  He felt lonely there and that he could not bring Jesus into the lives of these people.  His friend told him to close his eyes once more, but to this time envision that Jesus were walking through the streets.  When John did this he realized that he no longer had the same feelings of inadequacy and doubts.  He was able to that Jesus’ gift of eternal life was available to the Muslim world too.

The thing that struck me most as he concluded the story was that he felt that the entire time when he was afraid of going to a Muslim country it was because he had not believed that Jesus would be in that place with him.  John had been believing the lies that Satan was telling him; lies that distorted his perspective and caused him to doubt the sovereignty and omnipresence of God.  He was trying to describe the feeling as living as if everything were fine but not realizing until he was liberated from his bondage that he had been living with the underlying belief that Jesus would not be present in a Muslim nation.  He asked me if there were any lies of Satan that penetrated my life; any lies that I’d been unconsciously believing about God’s character, His goodness, His will, His plan for my life, His power.  Were any of these lies holding me back?

“What lies have you begun listening to in your own life? “

After being asked that very question, I began to see that the world around me had indeed succeeded in shaping my view of God.  Because I sometimes feel as if I will never be fully understood by my friends, I think that God also does not fully understand me and so there are things that I choose to not bring before him.  Because I do not fully trust the Holy Spirit within me, when I see a person on the street that I feel called and led to pray for I will walk past them for fear of how they might think of me if I were to approach them and share with them about Jesus.  Because I don’t fully trust God’s plan for my future, I continue to stress about what courses to take, what activities to be involved in, what friend to invest in.  I have been listening to too much of Satan rather than too much of God.  It’s not easy to suddenly change my thinking because quite honestly, I have never seen these doubting thoughts of mine as something displeasing to God. But I now know that He longs for my complete obedience to Him and he desires for me to find peace and joy as I rest in His plan for me.  I just pray that He’ll keep reminding me of His truths.  Truths about his love, truths about Jesus, truths that will change my life, if only I’d quit being so stubborn and die to my puny self so that the mighty Lord of my life may be glorified.

Dear friend,

Do you not know that you are precious?  Don’t you know that you are talented and beautiful; intelligent and witty; warm and wise?  You are all of these things and more because Jesus has given you such worth when he came down from heaven to redeem all that was wounded by sin.  You have been told many lies throughout your life.  Many many many lies.  You have been told that what was opposite of you was beautiful.  You were compared to this “smarter” person, that “more athletic” person.  You were told that your words were not important; that your opinions didn’t matter.  You looked at yourself in the mirror and said that the person looking back wasn’t good enough. There was something weird and horribly different about the person staring back; it was someone that was an enemy rather than a friend.  I bumped into you as you stumbled through life believing all of these.  I found that you had such spirit and passion, such beauty and so soo soo many talents.  I learned about your struggles and prayed that God would take you into his arms and remind you of how is your bridegroom coming to redeem and sacrifice himself for you, his bride. He is your friend, your faithful father who sees you as precious and fragile, yet also strong and able.  He has tried to woo you with the stars that dot the sky, with kisses from raindrops, and great big hugs from flakes of snow.  He uses the wind to play with your hair and sunsets to paint you a portrait of his love.  My heart breaks because no matter how many times you have heard all of this, you still will not let it transform your life.  The pain, it remains in you.  The lies, they remain deep inside causing you to wonder about your significance… if you have significance. May God be with you tonight. Oh how I want you to be reminded of God’s love and I want you to let His love come in. It’s the first time that I’ve felt such a pain in my heart for someone because I think the second hardest thing after a person not knowing about Jesus’ perfect love is a person knowing about it, but not loving themselves enough to let Him come into their heart.  The Lord is good and his mercy endures forever. May He give you the faith to know that all things will be made beautiful and whole in His time.

I Love you so much.

Because He reigns,

Jennifer

Some diversity, however, lasts beyond the season.  There are the differences in our lives that will always be there and yet this tree has reminded me of the fact that diversity leads to beauty….

I’m picking up on this post close to a month later currently in the warmer town of Cupertino, Ca.  I’ve been back home for 6 days now and already conquered the tasks of seeing friends, attended my grandmother’s funeral, organized my grandmother’s belongings, visited my good ole’ subway, devoured a pizookie, delivered a dozen donuts, and ran errands for my mom.  To continue off where my old post left off however…

Diversity leads to beauty.  My interactions with one friend here has definitely taught me this lesson because though she is a girl from the wonderful cornfields of the midwest and I am a suburbanite from the bustling silicon valley, I have learned that our differences just help to paint for me the beauty of the body of Christ. Her cute hair styles and coordinated outfits first led me to see her as shallow, but in the wee hours of the morning I know of how she goes to the fischer chapel to spend time with God, of how she will think about something that bothers her all day wondering what exactly Jesus would do in the situation.  I know another girl who’s from the East Coast who has taught me about the perseverance and strength that she has learned from her mother –a mother that has had to lead her family through more than I’d ever imagine having to deal with. She has taught me about what it means to put the Lord as your strength.  Another person has revealed to me patience. another endurance. another faithfulness.  I’m realizing that each part of the body of Christ truly has a specific role and that often times our experiences allow us to get a glimpse of God that is intended for only us because we’re the only ones who have experienced our lives in the way that we have.  I’m so grateful that each person placed in my path has allowed my knowledge of God to grow a teeny bit bigger.

This is when my own revelation came in.  I have been going through Matthew and Chapter 15 verse 8-9 really convicted me:  “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.  They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.”

Jesus had been teaching about what was unclean and what was clean.  He says that what comes from the mouth shows the conditions of a person’s heart.  He’s saying that it’s the heart behind the actions that matters, not just the actions.  It made me think about all of the endless advice I try to give people.  I see a hurting person and can tell them so much about God’s love, but I’ve been convicted that sometimes my words are becoming the “rules taught by men.”  So often I’ve listened to the advice of a friend over going to God and now I’m thinking that maybe I’ve been worshiping a person’s advise over the ultimate Advisor.  Then I have come to think about my motives for giving the advice.  Is it because I really care about the person’s well being?  Do I really say all of these things because I love them and my heart is breaking for them? Or am I saying things because I see their problem and a challenge for me… a theological challenge that I much succeed in?? And so I commence by thinking of relevant verses and more lessons God has taught me trying to prove to the person hurting that God is good.

Only God can prove His Goodness.  Only God will heal a person’s soul.  God is the one who sent His Son… his son… to redeem the broken.  That was how he demonstrated true, ultimate, perfect LOVE.

And so the question has made its way to my mind… Do I actually love people?

This past Thursday there was a bro/sis worship at 10pm.  I made my way over to the guys floor and was sitting on the far right side of the room.  As we sang, my eyes caught sight of my friend (the one I describe above) and she is there near tears.  I had talked to her earlier and knew that the day had been rough for her.  There was this intense longing in my heart to go and embrace her, to tell her that it was alright to cry, that it was ok to let God in.  And yet fear embraced me.  I would have to walk in front of everyone in the room to get to her because of where I was sitting.  I would be squeezing past people, interrupting their worship.  They may think that I was leaving early.. too busy to worship on a school night.  The thoughts of others were preventing me from showing love.  After debating about it for the first song, I finally knew I had to act and so I maneuvered awkwardly through the people, made it to my friend and gave her an enormous hug.  I saw the moisture now that was clinging to her lower lids, as if she were afraid to let them fall.  But they did now.  As we worshiped together, one arm around eachother, her other hand in mine, I sensed God saying that I needed to learn how to love.  I needed to learn how to sacrifice my time for someone, to listen to their problems intently without worrying about the hw I could be doing or the sleep I could be getting.  I needed to take what 1 Corinthians says and be patient, kind, not envious, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, slow to anger, forgiving, and delighting in God.  Imagine the power that love would have on this world if we actually did these things.  If we then took Jesus’ example and sacrificed ourselves for others.

After the worship set ended, my friend had this look in her eyes and I knew it meant she wanted to go outside because that’s where she felt closest to God.  It was indeed pouring outside, but as we stood by the exit staring at the heavy drops hitting the pavement, she began sharing with.  She said that she’d noticed how when a person doesn’t take a bath they begin to smell and so it’s kinda like that stench of death.  She said that’s why we must be washed everyday.  And so she looks out into the rain and hesitates about going in.  She’s afraid it will be too cold, but I think her fear cut deeper.  I grabbed her and said that that’s why she had to get out in the rain.  She needed some washing… she needed some cleansing… some kisses falling down from the heavens.  We ran through the rain to the swing set next to our dorm and just began swinging, letting the water purify us… letting God take away our pain or at least were reminded of how much we need to die to ourselves each day and be revived, be filled by God’s living water.

We swung until my pajamas were soaked through, my sweatshirt no longer providing warmth.  We sang worship songs and looked toward the heavens allowing each droplet that struck our face wash away a little of the pain that we held inside.  I learned that love is hard only because we hold onto other things harder.  That night I let go of the speech I had to give the next day, I let go of the lack of sleep I was suffering from.  That night I took in the beauty of God’s love and believe that I’m really just seeing the beginning of it.

Last week from Wednesday to FRiday was had a special Chapel guest named Fernando Ortega.  This guy is like 50 years old and one of the coolest guys ever.  He plays piano and we all sang a bunch of hymns together followed by him sharing the stories behind some of the songs that he has written.  One story was about his precious 9 month old daughter.  Him and his wife had been trying to have children and now they have this adorable little girl.  He talked about her life such a proud father is made me actually start crying.  Since he talked about her on Wednesday, Thurday, and Friday chapel, I pretty much was crying all week.  They were seriously good tears though.  I think parts of me was just moved at the type of love he exhibited for her.  Part of me also broke a little because I could not remember the last time my dad and spoken of me in the same way.  I was reminded so much of my perfect heavenly father though and how He provides that perfect example, no matter what sort of earthly father we’ve been given.  I have to honestly say that I struggle with my dad in some areas, but this week is where I think God revealed where I had really been at fault.  On friday before the last Chapel with Fernando Ortega, I was talking with my friend and she was telling me about a really hard phone call she’d had to take the night before.  Her mom had called her to tell her that her cousin was going to be going to a mental hospital.  This cousin of hers had been underweight when born, but miraculously survived.  She was adopted after being abandoned my her mother.  Unfortunately when she was 5, her stepfather molested her causing trauma that she still must recover from.

When I heard about this, my emotions were going crazy.  I did not even know how to process it.  I made my way upstairs to my Chapel seat and tried to keep myself composed.  When Chapel began, though, and Fernando began to sing, I could not control my tears any longer.  I think this time though I wept out of repentance.  It was by God’s grace that I had a wonderful father who had always tried to do his best and I was often times a very ungrateful daughter.  My dad drove me across town 2 or more times each week, he took me to all my soccer games, we went skiing, to concerts, had dinner dates.  We have our rough patches, but too often, I was consumed by the negative.  God was just shouting at me to see the blessings that He had given me.  I exited Chapel that week with new eyes for the world around me.  I felt like I wanted to just go through life in slow motion because I didn’t want to miss another blessing that God placed in my path.  The sky was a brilliant blue, the trees, the grass, the beautiful college campus I am able to live on.   I felt as I was seeing this campus for the first time.

I am so blessed to be here.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful, all-knowing, compassionate, disciplining, patient, kind, and good GOd.  I am so blessed for the family I have, the wonderful friends both at Wheaton and back in California.  I am blessed to have life and be able to experience something new each and every day. Look around your world and you’re sure to see a gift of God’s somewhere.

Psalm 136 =)

¹ Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.

³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

⁴ to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.

⁵ who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.

⁶ who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.

⁷ who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.

⁸ the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.

⁹ the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.

¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.

¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea ^[a] asunder
His love endures forever.

¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.

¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

¹⁶ to him who led his people through the desert,
His love endures forever.

¹⁷ who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.

¹⁸ and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.

¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.

²⁰ and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.

²¹ and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.

²² an inheritance to his servant Israel;
His love endures forever.

²³ to the One who remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.

²⁴ and freed us from our enemies,
His love endures forever.

²⁵ and who gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

She told me that it really took going to college to realize what real independence was.  She said that you really learn how to rely solely on God and make Him your ultimate purpose in life.  It’s where it’s just you and Him.  Total dependence and Him and independence from others.

I guess this made something really click in my mind because you see, I had always understood that people should try to be complete in Christ when it came to relationships.  A person needs to be full themself before they enter into a relationship with someone else, or else it will just be one person needing someone else and that would never make a happy couple… well it could.. but it didn’t seem ideal.  This concept, I realized can apply to friends as well.  A lot of times I enter into relationships with people because they fill up my “love bank” in some way.  I mean friends are supposed to make you feel happy.  Too often though, I let my friends try to fill up that void for love, but then end up still feeling empty.  It’s that hole that God really wants to reside in.  He wants me to bring my broken self to Him and there he will heal me and make me whole.  I can then bring that new, revived, redeemed, transformed self into new friendships and heck perhaps a relationship eventually.

This makes me think of the snow retreat theme verse too

2 Corinthians 4:16

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Lord, I want to be renewed my you each day.  I need to be renewed by you each day.

vs. 5-9

Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.

She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor.

The beginning of college is a time where it’s very easy to get wrapped up into thinking that you have to have that group of friends that totally understand you.  It’s easy to feel like a loner when you walk into the dining hall and have no one to sit with.   It’s easy to settle for less.  It’s easy to think that the friends you know now are the ones that you have to pursue and spend time with or else you won’t have that group in college.  Reading these verses just reminded me of how God wants me to pursue wisdom and His teaching and then, everything else will fall into place.  Though it cost all I have, I seek understanding, because the things that I consider “all I have” are nothing compared to God.  I am learning to step away from all of the people, to say no to people, and yes to time spent with God because I believe that focusing on Him will allow everything else to fall into place.

-We need to see people and try to perceive them through God’s eyes.  I had not been able to do that because I chose to judge based on the outside before seeing the confused and bewidered18 year old that was in the exact same position I was.  I had thought that I was coping with the college environment well by not seeming to care as much about appearance, but I was instead showing my own fears and insecurities through the way that I allowed judgement to keep me from loving the people around me. The next few days were totally different as I began looking for people’s inner beauty and I began remember how God had created them and found them absolutely precious the way they are.  I may not be used to how they dress or act, but it’s the heart and I don’t want my misperceptions to prevent me from meeting a wonderful friend.

I cannot wait until I have more time to blog because there’s def more… I’m just too tired to write it….

some awesome quotes of my first week though

” God is God, I am not”

“If Jesus were to come back this instant, would you be dissappointed”

“Sometimes pain is the best gift that God can give us”

I am deciding to start a blog because I feel like I am entering a very new and different stage in my life and want to document the lessons I learn and the experiences that shape who I am as a person, hopefully also serving as an encouragement to whoever decides to read this.

I believe that God has called me to Wheaton College in Illinois.  This is a private Christian college about 1 hour west of Chicago.  It’s a school that I think will be different from anything that I am used to because 1) I’ve always attented public schools and 2) I’ve always attended secular schools (kinda self explanatory because I don’t think public schools can have religious affiliations).  I don’t know what is will like to be at a school where some students have attended Christian schools their entire life.  I don’t know what it will be like to attend a chapel service every day of the week.  I don’t know what it will be like to meet people from over 30 different denominations.  I don’t know what it will be like to surround myself with Christians, perhaps joyful, perhaps crazy.

I trust that since God has called me here, there will be a purpose to every new thing that I experience and learn.  I pray that I can just use these blogs as a means of exposing the infinite greatness and goodness or my God.

goodbye for today.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better than to be happy and do good while they live.  That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil– this is the gift of God.”

-Ecclesiastes 2:11-14